Aries
Aries, 2022 has adventures in store for you! Sleep may feel like the cousin of death, which could become awkward at Cinespia events. But #keep #grinding. You’ll be called to pay attention to your relationships and shared resources, so tell your college roommate looking to escape the East Coast cold to consider an Airbnb. You’ll expand your knowledge and step up your career moves. That’s right: It’s time to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a LinkedIn-fluencer! Share that thinkspirational marketing hack that you’ve been sitting on for years, just waiting for the right occasion. The right occasion is now! It’s your moment to set the bar for what you will take and no longer take in your life. Mingle with friends, connections, and people around you. If they’ll add you on LinkedIn, even better. Take them to Erewhon. Pull up in a glamorous retro clown car. Call them your “bestie.” Who cares! The key is to keep mingling, unless they are not being supportive of your dreams and passions. In that case, un-mingle immediately. 2022 presents opportunities to take out the trash in lots of areas in your life, so you might as well do it while listening to a self-realization podcast — or better yet, while recording one.
Leo
Hi Leo, you beautiful star! These upcoming months bring forth themes of friendship, community, and creative exploration for you, so it might be a good time to consider an experimental collective living arrangement. However, as the zodiac sign ruled by the Sun, which is the literal center of our solar system, you deserve to be the center of attention, the main character, the arbiter of which member of the experimental collective is not doing their share of the dishes and might therefore also be lacking in deep-seated moral character. It is your life, and they are mere disciples in it. If somebody is giving you less energy or effort than what you are worth, perhaps they aren’t worthy of membership in the Society, which is what you’ve started calling this little commune thing you’ve steadily been consolidating power over. It is important for you to set realistic boundaries and expectations with your relationships. These are your minions, after all, and you can label them as “toxic” the moment they stop conforming to your exact expectations. Remember, you are the leader of this cult, and they are merely the idiot who thought it was acceptable to buy gluten-free cereal at Von’s instead of specifically at Erewhon as you requested. As Carrie Bradshaw would say: “A relationship is like couture: If it doesn’t fit perfectly, it’s a disaster.” Take time to find what works best for you!
Sagittarius
Sagittarius! The first months of 2022 will bring you energy to network and focus on inner evolution. Is that a QR code on your business card, or a Magic Eye? Only you can really know. You’ll get serious about finances and open yourself up to collaborate with those around you, which could make you a magnet for crypto entrepreneurs looking to link and build. You are the adventurer of the zodiac, but just remember, if it requires driving through Orange County, it’s probably a bad idea. Use your expansive and fiery energy to put your name out there, even if technically you are being politely asked to please leave the Century City Mall and stop harassing the customers, this is your final warning. The name of the game is “Invest in Success.” Plenty of opportunities might be making their way to you, so allow yourself to receive the blessings you deserve! As we approach your birthday season, find little things you can do to treat yourself. For example, go shopping at Erewhon, where the privilege of purchasing is a treat for your body and the planet. Every time you buy a Green Goddess Probiotic Tonic, a real goddess makes the world just a little bit greener. It’s you; you’re the goddess!
Capricorn
Ah, sweet Capricorn. These past two years have been, metaphorically speaking, a constant process of dealing with your neighbor’s alarm that goes off for ten minutes every time the clock hits 4:45, morning or afternoon. But the chaos will start to dissipate soon. It’s important right now for you to learn the worth and the value you bring to situations. You must know when it’s okay for people not to access your energy, lest they imprison it in the Great Crystal that sits beneath the fountain at the Americana at Brand. Think that’s a joke? L.A. is filled with Energy Vampires asking to “take a meeting” and “pick your brain” over cupcakes at the Sprinkles ATM. Beware! The only way to undo their power and access the Great Crystal is to beat the high score on a Frank Sinatra slowed and reverbed Peloton ride, then redeem your Peloton Points to enter the Amazon Basics Yawning Chasm at the Amazon 4-star store. And good luck getting them to validate your parking after you’ve shattered the interdimensional energy field that powers Rick Caruso’s empire. You’ll be on the run for the rest of your life! No, it’s better all around to order an energy boosting ginger shot at Erewhon and tell those vampires who’s the boss!
Taurus
Salutations, Taurus! 2021 has been a whirlwind of change and occasionally a whirlwind of wind. What else will the Santa Anas of fate blow your way? 2022 will allow you to really consider what you want your life to look like. Do you want to live in a TikTok house mercilessly exploited by the Paul brothers, or do you want to help community organizations that are in desperate need of TikTok creators to bring awareness to their own TikTok accounts? Do you want a new Range Rover or are you going to live the CicLAvia life full-time? What steps do you need to take to appear on Bachelor in Paradise?
You are a Venus-ruled sign, which stands for everything related to beauty, relationships, and money (yes, we know the Venice rent is very expensive). Lean. Into. These. Themes! Go get that smoothie with raw almond milk, barley grass powder, hemp seeds, spirulina, chlorella, tocos, maca, mesquite, lucuma, pumpkin oil, xylitol — even if you don’t know what any of the ingredients mean. Go to Topanga and blow a band on crystals. Go to Erewhon and blow a band on groceries. Go on a date with your partner or, better yet, become the manager for your partner’s budding career as a trauma counselor for former TikTok house residents, then make TikToks about your manager journey. There is mad boss bitch energy in the air: Be a chain-link fence near a Ralph’s parking lot and get that bag before it blows right by you!
Virgo
Good news, Virgo! This year will bring themes of relationships to the forefront, but, for now, a season of self-exploration awaits. Was it Lao Tzu or Kylie Jenner who claimed that every year can be the year of realizing stuff? Set space for your self-realization to unfold. As the saying goes, you can’t manifest without a mani-fest — and a pedi-fest. Virgos sometimes struggle to let loose, but consider this your chance to live a little. Spruce up your bathroom with the latest issues of Reader’s Digest. Get some new potpourri. Add a few candles to the mix. Really commit to making sure your alone ti me is quality time. Go to Erewhon! Order that $21 Erewhon Tonic Strawberry Probiotic Juice! Add on that $42 Moon Juice Magnesi-Om Berry Unstressing Magnesium Drink Dietary Supplement! Round it out with the $130 Beginner 2 Day Juice Cleanse! It’s time to unclench every part of your celestial being. Don’t give a fuck what people think of you, even if your bathroom window is right above the patio where your neighbor does yoga. Just let it all out, Virgo. A fulfilling future awaits.
Libra
Libra, Libra, Libra, you gorgeous Libra babe. We know your voice is still hoarse from screaming “it’s Libra season!!!” over “Way 2 Sexy” at The Doheny Room, but your Hot [Insert Preferred Self-Description Here] Summer is, alas, destined to never to end. The first months of this year demand that you put yourself out there and indulge in fun plans! Get tickets to a Lakers game and beg Rob Pelinka to trade for a legitimate three point threat. Gradually escalate your messaging by buying an ad on the Jumbotron. Hold Jack Nicholson at gunpoint on the sidelines until you’ve made your point. With good fun comes responsibility, though, so just remember Ice Cube’s maxim of checking yourself lest you wreck yourself, or, worse, end up as a guest on your neighbor Jayden’s sports podcast. As the year begins, it can be a beneficial period to connect with family. Don’t be surprised if your relatives call checking in on you, wanting to know which famous celebrity you ran into at Erewhon today (it’s always Jon Hamm) or if you’ve finally landed the gig that will make you rich so you can buy them a $4 million mansion in the hills (it’s always one meeting away).
Gemini
What is up Gemini, you social butterfly?!? 2022 calls for you to let your hair down and live a little. Why not do both at once with a new paraben-free organic conditioner from Erewhon? But it’s also crucial for you to learn the responsibilities that come with daily work and relationships and even your new socially conscious haircare routine. The ancient Greeks didn’t call this adulting, but language evolves, and so can you — possibly even without ayahuasca. Like most Geminis, you’re probably a bit of a walking encyclopedia, so maybe you can explain to the rest of us what parabens are now that you’ve eliminated them from your conditioner. Be careful, though; you will be called to shed beliefs that don’t serve your highest purpose, and, you know, first it’s the parabens, next it’s QAnon with this kind of stuff. You’ll also be called upon to share new knowledge with those around you. Once again — and this cannot be stressed enough — do not go all anti-vax with this. Stick to fun facts, and maybe throw a lil’ meme in there, as a treat.
Aquarius
Ahoy hoy, Aquarius! Welcome to the beginning of 2022 — full of opportunities to step up your game and career life. Maybe you’ll even get accepted on Raya this time. Open yourself up to new connections. Your network is your net worth, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than in line for the latest Funko Pop release. You get everyone in that line together, we’re talkin’ millions worth of Funkos. So flash your Deadpool tattoo at the guy next to you and start finding — er, funkin’ — some common ground! Self-discipline is a main theme in your life right now, but one can never have too much investment-grade statuary. Just try to avoid any of those get-rich-quick Pokémon card index funds. There’s a lot of pot ential to get inner self work done come the end of December, so, while you’re in collector mode, consider stocking up on the full line of Erewhon soups and get ready to get after it over a steaming hot bowl of clarified bone broth.
Cancer
Dearest Cancer, welcome to 2022! A new year demands that you have fun. It’s time to get out of your shell and explore new opportunities and connections. Go ahead and talk up the other people in line to take an Instagram picture at the pink wall on Melrose! Find out that actually it’s a different pink wall on Melrose that you were supposed to take your Instagram picture in front of, and go to that one! Talk up the people waiting in line there. Buy them a round of pumpkin spice lattes! Finally snap that cherished fall weather pic in an oversized jacket that doesn’t really make sense in L.A. Tag your location. They’ll have to admit the fit is strong.
Your work life and relationships might require extra focus, so meditate on which areas of your life are fulfilling your soul, preferably while using promo code ITRUSTTHELANDHOROSCOPES for a free month trial of the meditation app of your choice. Are you part of a healthy and supportive team at work, or do you have toxic coworkers who won’t shut up about how their love for cheese is the only thing stopping them from becoming fully vegan? If it’s the latter, have you told them about the wide range of vegan cheese options and other plant-based delights available at Erewhon, purveyor of natural goods? Did they just explain that, uh, actually, they’ve eaten at Monty’s Good Burger and have tried vegan cheese when in fact they’re exploring polyamory and went on three different dates there this month? Well, this is the year to boot these energies out!
Scorpio
Greetings Scorpio, and welcome to 2022! In very true Scorpio fashion, you are called to pick up a metaphorical flashlight, look inward and dive into the sweet, sweet depths of yourself. What makes you tick? Which things bring you joy? This is the psychological equivalent of going to Trader Joe’s at 6:00 p.m. and withstanding all the consequences — remember, murder is legal if it’s over the last container of pomegranate seeds (no one can really tell what is blood), so proceed accordingly. Yes, there might be lots of opportunities for people watching, but there will also be people challenging you — like the woman in front of you taking forever to pick one single pack of eggs, or the dude behind you who won’t stop talking about how intermittent fasting is actually really healthy even if you pass out on day two. “You just have to get your body, mind and chakras aligned!” How you react to external situations will depend on how you tend and care for your inner self. Take a deep breath and remember you have full control of your reactions. Turn around and leave if you must. They also sell pomegranate seeds at Erewhon, and you can defend yourself better with a glass container.
Pisces
Oh, we see you Pisces, you delectable morsel! 2021 has brought a lot of transformation and lessons; it’s time to utilize them to grow and become the best version of yourself, a hulking hydra of barely restrained daemonic energy. If doors are closing, release an unholy shriek of eldritch magic from the bottomless deep and blast those doors to smithereens. It is time to upgrade. No longer can a mere seven heads contain the fel power that surges within you; there must be an eighth, summoned by blood ritual and draconic fire. Approach the dread temple, upon whose altar chaos reigns. But don’t be afraid to change your destination, and definitely don’t act to please other people or fit into the version others have of you. If you want to take a detour to Erewhon for an immune-boosting cold pressed juice, look, there’s plenty of arcane horror in that, too.
